i'm probably going to regret writing this post

So today I go and let some strange man tinker in my lady parts. Perhaps I should have taken a page from the Redneck Mommy and dyed my muff blue because holy hell, the reaction from a new gynecologist upon encountered a bright blue gateway would surely make me laugh my ass off and relieve some of the damn tension that has been building over the two weeks I’ve been waiting for this appointment. An appointment I didn’t realize I was completely internalizing over until I got up this morning with my stomach roiling, my hands shaking and tightness in my chest. Two thirty this afternoon cannot come soon enough, really, time warp anyone?

To shorten a long and annoying story, I’ve had some weird things happening in and about my womanly parts for a few weeks, unexplained bleeding, discharges, abdominal & low back pains, sensitive nipples, which is way more information than you really want, I know. As I’ve been in menopause for fucking ever, it was test run time, and holy shit, when a doctor does not know what the fuck is going on and cannot find any reason for the above symptoms, be prepared to be drained of all the blood in your body. NINE fucking tubes. Don’t get up for a while the tech says after the leeching. Like I could have lifted my head from the pillow. Damn Vampire. Luckily all the usual suspect tests came back negative, and aren’t we all happy to know that I don’t have Gonorrhea or Chlamydia?

Except one test that the doctor decided to run as an off chance. When she ordered it, she told me it was a long shot but since she couldn’t explain my symptoms, she wanted to run it anyway.

Of course, since we all know how foreshadowing workds, that fucking test came back with elevated levels. So did my cholesterol and LDL levels but those are due to my fondness for fatty cow meat and pork roll.

This test? Was a screening test for Ovarian Cancer and/or Uterine Cancer.

While the results weren’t off the charts high, they were higher than normal. So this doctor, who is not a Gynecologist, conferred with one of those, and asked me to go see this guy. Since my regular Gynecologist seemed to be booked until the next millennium and is located way far away for convenience now, I decided to go to the unknown, yet highly recommended new guy, since it’s always an awkward experience to have a stranger diddle in your nether regions. Gaaaahhhh.

My understanding is that there will be testing for Endometrial Cancer in my immediate future. Beginning this afternoon.

Wouldn’t I know, somewhere deep inside myself, if this kind of thing were brewing in my own body? That’s what I keep thinking, that I would just KNOW, somehow. And I don't.

Truth be told, it’s probably nothing and all is well. Soon enough I’ll have that confirmed.

I'm probably going to feel like a first class moron later for even posting this and letting my internal panic get the better of me by writing this all out but since I'm the queen of denial when it comes to my health, writing it down is so much more cathartic than letting it swirl around in my head in a toxic brew of fear, panic and dread.