what up there?

Wanna know what’s on the top of my house?

A new roof! All sparkly and pristine to replace the ragged and deteriorating shingles that have probably been up there for a good twenty years. Of course now the faded blue paint and yellow trim that we slapped on the house back in 2001 look old and worn, but I can ignore that for a while because painting the house just sucks and we are too cheap frugal to pay someone to do it for us.

The roofers were blessedly efficient and good at what they do and got 92% of the job finished in one day. Their presence on that one day pushed the dog a little closer to the edge of a nervous breakdown though. With every thump and bump from the faceless nameless demons prowling above her head, threatening to demolish her very universe, she quaked and whimpered and tried to fit all 70 lbs of her shivering body onto my husband’s head. There were a couple of really loud moments when the roofers were replacing a few damaged sheathing boards, she tried to crawl up my body because, to the dog I’m sure, it sounded like the very gates of hell were opening above her and she was about to be sucked into the maw of the salivating vengeful giant gopher bound on retribution for her slaughter of the species throughout the years. Or maybe that’s just what her claws digging for purchase into my stomach felt like. Note to self – trim dog’s nails before contractors arrive.

Oddly enough, while the ominous sounds from above sent her into a spiral of neurotic crazy, the sight of a any of the guys walking past the window or door would transform her instantaneously into SUPER GUARDIAN DOG and she would lunge at them with deep ferocious barks and guttural growls emanating from her snarling mouth, teeth bared and ready to sink into whoever dared get close to HER territory.

And then another thump on the roof would send her scuttling back to cower under the desk.

To her credit, the snarly side of her personality totally freaked the roof guys so much that they nervously asked us to please keep the vicious dog away from them. Score one for bat shit crazy dog.

It was a fun day.

Replacing a roof is dirty nasty work, I discovered. Especially in 27 degree weather three days after 8 inches of snow fall, where it just becomes a cold wet slippery job. My husband must have made 30 cups of coffee to keep those guys warm from the inside out. Me? I tried to stay out of everyone’s way and escaped by offering to run all the necessary Saturday errands. I picked up the pizza. It’s safer and less annoying. I’m sure the roofers didn’t need some anxiety ridden nutball homeowner hovering outside reminding them to be careful and watch the snow and DON’T SLIP FOR GOD’S SAKE! Because people standing up on a dry roof (Why is the plural of hoof hooves, but the plural of roof is roofs?) make me nervous, when it’s all wet and slippery, they could you know slide right off and then there could be broken legs or arms and ambulances and that shit is such a hassle, and I so don’t want my roof responsible for breaking people.

Hmmm. Guess the dog is not the only neurotic one in the house.