potty practicals

We’ve been out and about the past few weekends, doing holiday family fun activities and there is a disturbance in the force.

Potty etiquette has gone to hell in the women’s restrooms. Seriously.

What's going on? I know we’re all on warp drive, darting form here to there at triple time, and yes, oh yes, the lines never seem to get any shorter when one has to tinkle, but the state of restrooms everywhere are getting mighty disgusting.

My poor daughter has taken to holding it in until her back teeth are floating and I’m afraid one of these days her bladder is just going to burst and that will not be pretty.

So, let’s review some basic potty etiquette, shall we?

Most public restrooms, at least those that are not located on the dark side of gas stations, now provide those nifty, flushable paper seat covers that prevent ones tushy skin from connecting with the seat and any assorted germs. Use them. Please. If sticks to your butt when you get up, don’t leave it lying on the floor where it fell. Pick it up, dump it in the john and flush it. Isn’t that simple?

Two words here: TOILET PAPER. It belongs in the toilet, not wadded up in a ball on the floor. What the hell compels someone to dump their soiled TP on the floor and just leave it there, without expending the decency to pick up after themselves? I know I don’t want to look at your leftover wipery. Pick it up. Thank you, truly.

If you bring your kid into the stall and they drop their TP on the floor, because we all know how much fun it is to toss it in, set an example by picking it up and tossing it back in the toilet, or even in the feminine product receptacle. This is how kids learn, ladies, by example.

Moving on to the Squat Spray. If for some reason your tender backside has an allergy to the aforementioned seat cover, and you must engage in the stand-n-pee, which inevitably sprays on the seat, WIPE IT THE FUCK OFF. It’s your piss, clean it up. I don’t want to and there is usually someone next in line for your stall. Leave nothing extra behind.

If you do not have the dexterity to successfully maneuver the stand-n-pee, leaving dribbles of urine all over the floor, not to mention your own shoes, given some of the messes I’ve encountered of late, please allow me to provide an alternative. Cover the seat with lengths of TP and sit your sloppy ass down so the next person in that stall does not have to stand in your piss. No one likes their shoes wet and icky.

FLUSH. Yes, for our convenience and sanitary satisfaction, many of the finer establishments have installed auto-flush johns. Like anything that gets overused, the sensors sometimes break. This is no reason not to flush your mess. If your dainty hands should not be allowed to touch the device without surgical gloves, grab a piece of that ever-useful TP and press the lever. I assure that after washing your hands and a slathering of antibacterial cleaners, all the cooties will be gone.

If your mess is substantial, consider a double flush. Let’s leave the bowl fresh for the next entrant, please.

Once a thorough washing of the hands has been completed, please make certain your used paper-towel gets into the garbage. No one is in that much of a hurry that they can’t make certain their trash gets thrown away. If you miss, pick it the fuck up. Just because it’s someone’s job to clean the restroom, doesn’t mean you should forget common decency and throw shit on the floor. And be glad it’s not your job to clean up after the slobs that have left the restrooms such a pigsty. I’m starting to think I might prefer the men’s room.

If some of the behavior I’ve been noticing in public facilities were to occur in your homes, those individuals suspected of this grossness would never darken your doorway again, you would see to it. Their names would be crossed off the holiday guest list so quickly your fingers would cramp.

And if any of you have behaved in this manner in someone’s home, you’d be wondering why you never get invited to the neighbor’s holiday parties. Before thinking I Would Never! in that internal huffy tone, think very carefully.

And let’s clean up our acts here and remember that we’re civilized women and we do not piss on the floor.

Thank You and good toileting everyone.