ograbme opissonu

On my way into the office this morning there was a small traffic snarl on one of the 2 lane no-passing roads I traverse daily. Usually any slow down in movement on this road is caused by some wizened senior citizen, stooped low in their seat, barely seeing over the dashboard with their cruise control set 15 miles below the speed limit. There are approximately a quadrillion "active 55+ adult" communities that have sprung up in the middle of New Jersey, and for some inexplicable reason, these developments are also located in the immediate vicinity of massive warehouse complexes which disgorge countless long-haul 18 wheeler trucks hourly. If any two things do not belong together on back country roads, it is big trucks and slow senior citizen driver's. Believe me, for I have seen bad, bad things and am constantly amazed that more accidents do not occur. But I supposed traveling 15 miles below the speed limit due to the verrrry slow car heading up a loooong line of traffic, accidents are less likely to happen. Unless there is road rage involved.

When the car ahead of me finally swerved around the obstacle, I was able to get a look at what holding up forward progress. Today's snarl did not involve any smashed vehicles but one very large turtle. Standing stock still, head held out and high, in the middle of the road. Arrogantly daring anyone to run it over, I swear. There must have been another turtle hiding somewhere on the other side of the road, egging this one not to move in the face of oncoming traffic. If I was in on that action, I would have bet on the arrogant one in the road. I had no idea how long it had been blocking traffic but given the volume of morning vehicular activity, the chances of this turtle successfully seeing the other side without becoming road kill where dwindling with each passing car. Being the bleeding heart I am, I pulled over as far as possible and engaged my hazards.

pic courtesy of wikipedia

Once I was certain there was little risk of being flattened by a slow moving senior, who can't see beyond the steering wheel, I walked up behind the turtle. It saw me coming and counter-moved to face me, mouth opening wide in battle ready mode. This was clearly a snapping turtle as the little fucker tried to bite me as soon as I reached down to grab the sides of its shell. Good thing I moved quicker than it did, I had no idea a turtle's head could twist like that! We did this little circling dance for about half a minute while I counted all my fingers and gauged just how fast and far it could reach with that beak. The waiting traffic enjoyed the turtle dance off, I'm pretty sure. Without too much more fuss I was finally able to get a solid grasp on it and make our way across the road; when placed gently on the grass it immediately tried to snap my fingers off again. Ingrate.

Instead of heading off in the opposite direction, the cranky turtle actually charged me with neck elongated, mouth open and reaching out to snap. When I walked toward it, rather than trundle away, it just backed up a bit and held its ground, straightening its front legs out and opening its mouth wide so I could image just how much of my flesh it would grab if I was stupid enough to get too close. We stared at each other for a few minutes and then it ever so slowly and disdainfully turned to wander toward the creek.

I had to laugh because it occurred to me that this is probably how I behave when anyone speaks to me before I have caffeine in the morning.

It was only after I got back in the car that I realized how disgusting turtles smell, as my hands reeked of swampy mildew and probably turtle piss, as I'm sure it tried to piss on me when I hauled it up from the pavement. If I smelled that bad I would want to bite people, too.

How ironic is it that one of this turtle's common names is Ograbme? I think Obiteme would be more appropriate or Opissonu, but I don't make this stuff up.

Thank You to the nice man who put his hazard lights on to stop oncoming traffic, watched this whole escapade from inside his SUV and then flipped me two thumbs up when I was heading back to my car. Maybe he knew that turtle's piss on people foolish enough to pick them up.