In Loving Memory

Words can barely describe the feelings of loss, the ache in the heart and sorrow of the soul.

Written by his mother, my sister, on a sleepless night in October.

If only I knew
I would go back in time and cradle your newborn head against my breast,
See your impish grin on your first day of school.
If only I knew
I wouldnʼt have scolded you for taking that extra cookie before dinner.
Instead Iʼm sitting here listening to taps being played for you.
If only I knew
I would go back in time and instead of sighing at the bickering between two brothers,
I would cherish the way you worked it out before mom could come into the room.
If only I knew
I would have told you more how proud of you I was on your high school graduation.
Instead I am listening to a 21 gun salute.
If only I knew
I would go back in time, hearing the desperation in your voice as you asked me what was going to happen to all the rescuers on September 11, 2001.
How proud I was, watching as you graduated from Naval boot camp. How scared I was.
If I only I knew
I would go back in time and listen again to the pride and awe in your voice as you told me how tiny and beautiful your newborn daughter is, that your son is learning to ride a bike, "2 wheels mom! Heʼs doing great."
Instead I am sitting and waiting for the folded flag to be presented to me.
If only I knew
I would go back in time to hug, kiss and tease you. To see you grow as husband, son, father and brother.
I would hear you tell me of your success in your Naval career.
If only I knew
I would hold fast to how much you loved being a husband, father and shipmate.
Instead Iʼm sitting here listening to your family and friends tell me how much you helped them, and cared for them. And how much they honor the man you are.
If only I knew
I would go back in time and take all the pain and suffering away from you, hold you in my arms once more. I would see you smirk at me, when I asked you once again, if you were doing okay. "Thumbs up, mom. Iʼm doing good". Even though I knew the pain you were in.
If only I knew
If only I knew

You are forever in our hearts.

Joseph A. Scandariato

9/17/82 - 2/6/08