Seasonal Disorder

I think I’ve successfully self-diagnosed the malady that has been plaguing me in recent days. Taking a careful survey of the symptoms and tracking the onset took a little time, but as they days progressed and the signs began to build, it finally became clear.

Internet, I have a severe case of Holiday Apathy.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and thoughts of spending all morning preparing for the afternoon feast and subsequent clean-up makes me want to dive under the covers now claiming a sudden ailment and let the rest of them fend without me. An action I won’t indulge in because that would be a huge disruption of the family tradition and I would feel guilt. Such guilt I would feel that it would not be soothed by a solid shot of bourbon.

Damn conscience. I’ll still have the solid shot of bourbon, thank you very much.

I should have realized I was coming down with something when I first saw the Christmas decorations being put on display at the local Target BEFORE Halloween had even arrived and I wanted to punch the unsuspecting Target employee in the head for even thinking that such an action was acceptable. Shouldn't there be a law that prohibits the playing of Christmas songs on the radio until after 11/27 and anyone caught doing so will be shoved head first into a wood chipper? I'd vote for that.

My kids want to drag out the Christmas tree (yes we have an artificial one. get over it) and all the assorted decorations this weekend to bring the festivities to life. I'd rather clean out the gutters, at least this way I'd have clean gutters rather than a houseful of stuff I'll have to dismantle and put away again in just over a month. But the kids truly embrace this ritual and I will admit that when we get going, with (ack) Christmas carols in the background for mood music, their excitement is infectious and we do have a good time and make wonderful family memories that I know will be cherished by all of us as time goes by. Their joy in reacquainting with favorite ornaments and decorations is heartwarming even to my Grinchly heart. Please note that when we do decorate the tree I am usually wearing my Merry Grinchmass pant and Grinch slippers. Just my little twisted tradition.

In all seriousness though, I am really having a hard time finding the energy and emotion for this holiday season. There is little enthusiasm in preparing for celebrating Thanksgiving tomorrow. Right now it's just another day with extra work that needs my attention. Tomorrow I may feel differently. We'll see. There is even less for the the coming Christmas holiday. That just looms on the horizon as this large burden that has to be dealt with. I've chopped our holiday shopping list to family and closest friends, not due to finances but that I don't want to expend the emotional energy right now. I want to barricade against the outpouring of inflated good will and cheer that seems to be less genuine every year and the forced joviality that will swirl around everywhere I go. Something is missing and some days I wonder if it's just something flawed in me. Like a light inside me has been turned off and maybe, just maybe, if I dig down deep enough I'll find it again and that spark that used to fuel me will be salvageable again.

Conversely, I find myself getting all sentimental and teary when those damn holiday songs are played on the radio and when I see a house lit up with colored lights at night. These moments make me long for some elusive something I can't define and leaves me feeling vulnerable and weak. My heart aches, my throat clenches and my eyes fill for reasons I'm unable to identify or unwilling to confront. I'm not certain which is the case.

So I'll drag out the boxes, detangle lights and spend an evening reminiscing about this ornament and that one and discussing where the favorites should be placed while Andy Williams sings softly under our own holiday noise. When finally all the lights are working and the last ornament is secure, the house will be darkened and the tree lit for the first time this year, I'll see the happiness and anticipation shine from my kid's eyes. And I will remember and hold fast to the knowledge that that is where all the magic lives.