neighborly miscreant

I’ve held off complaining about the Asshat neighbor, he of the continuous fireworks noise, and his recent disregard of neighborly boundaries during and after the recent snow-whomping we had here in Central Jersey, because it was Christmas and goodwill to man and all that crap, but I found the picture I wasted dedicated my time creating that illustrates his weird behavior while I was still really pissed off. And frankly this masterpiece of artwork should not go to waste.

Thus, our story begins with finding a larger than normal pile of snow at one end of our u-shaped driveway the Sunday morning after the snow had ceased.  When I say larger than normal, we live on a county road and when those big ass plow trucks come through they send a spray of snow pack in front of the driveway entrance that most seasoned skiers would die for on some mountain but this one side had easily twice the amount of snow than the other, about 4 feet, no shit. SuperHubby and I thought that the township plows had come from the street across from our house and shoved it into our driveway. BUT, in the 16 years we’ve lived in this house, the township has never shown itself to be that populated with douchebags to plow snow into our driveway, so the chances were slim. The county, on the other hand, doesn’t hesitate to block driveways and we figured that was the case here. There are clear dividing lines of which roads the county plows and which ones the town takes responsibility for in our humble burg. It’s pretty entertaining actually, to see who takes credit first.

Why does snow that was plowed into the end of the driveway always weighs a ton more than the rest of the snow? I swear it’s like bricks.

Ace and I had worked our way down to the end of the driveway after what felt like hours of shoveling, because it was hours, where the only redeeming part of this effort was the stupid black dog, who goes fucking bonkers when snow is being tossed around by the shovelful. She leaping into the air to catch the snow pile that was just heaved in her direction, while barking her fool head off incessantly. It makes the time go that much more quickly as we try to see how much snow she’ll eat before her barking voice gets hoarse. It happens usually about an hour into the game.

As we slogged our way through the super heavy driveway snow, a pick-up truck, equipped with bright orange plow, began clearing snow from the side of the neighbor’s house and drove it right across the county road into the other side of my driveway. While I was standing there, mouth agape!

Waving my arms, yelling DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK? because I am so classy like that, I started across the front of the yard, shovel in hand, imagining myself beating him over the head with it, repeatedly.

He stops, in MY DRIVEWAY, rolls down his window frowning AT ME, what’s wrong? He says.

WHAT’S WRONG?!?!?!

Blood pressure spiking, I pointed to the pile of snow. You’ve been plowing snow into my driveway!

This is part of your driveway? I didn’t know, I’ll fix you right up! With that he reverses out of the driveway across the street and then roars back, pushing the snow deeper into the driveway toward the stand of trees along the side. Not much help really as now all the fucking snow is my driveway, just further in and a little to the left. Once that was done, he parked his pickup truck next to his house and disappeared inside. This happened so damn quickly, I didn’t have time to tell him what a dick he had been, because he executed that move so smoothly, it was clear he had been doing it all night. Hence the 4-foot file of snow.

Excuse me Asshat, but you’ve lived there for almost 3 years now and there is no way in hell you did not know my driveway was there. It's kind've hard to miss, as it is ACROSS from your front door, you fucksack!

Voila! The scene of the crime, courtesy of my super mad paint skillz:

His face has not been seen outside his house at any moment when I, or my husband, have been out since this incident. This is the neighbor that plays his music outside on large speakers throughout the summer deep into the night, has fireworks going much of July deep into the night, and has never once uttered a cordial hello. I can’t say I’ve offended him, which would be entirely possible had we conversed, just once, but we have never exchanged words, EVER. Until that moment.

I really want him to take his New Yorker ass back to Brooklyn and stay the fuck out of my part of Jersey, lest I bury him in the next blizzard that comes our way.